IT'S 'A BREAKIN 'A NEWS!
Early this morning the body of Mario Mario was found in his Venetian penthouse. Health officials at the scene classified the cause of death as heart attack. It is reported that Mario has suffered from mild obesity, high cholesterol, and Type 2 Diabetes for several decades. It has long been alleged by Mario’s former mistress, Daisy, that he continued use of mind-altering mushrooms long after rehab.
The particular fungus is commonly found under the droppings of goombas. Mario repeatedly insisted that he had not taken mushrooms in several years, and when he did, use was always medicinal. Since they are smuggled into the country by Lakitus, police have yet been able to apprehend any suspects to prove illegal activity. Whether mushrooms or any other foreign substance played a role in the iconic hero’s death is yet to be determined. Coroners will run a toxicology screening when the autopsy is performed tomorrow.
Meanwhile, a candlelight vigil is being held in front of Mario’s home; it is led by his beloved but infinitely jealous brother, Luigi Mario. He declined comment to Channel 120 news, but he addressed the vigil’s supporters with a poem written on the back of a letter from princess peach:
Oh, oh! – Mario.
How did it come to this?
You always appeared most resilient.
Jumping, sprinting, you would swim a mile.
Always, ever-glowing,
A virtual, gleaming smile.
Oh, oh! My Mario.
Who knew the effect of being consumed,
Transparent, gliding mushrooms?
A staple of your diet, indeed.
Fitting for a Reptilian Fiend.
How they did make you grow.
And you grew – and grew!
Birthed forth, as from a glowing green egg
Was popularity for you.
Oh, oh! Your Mario.
How age knocks,
Sprouting like a heavenward beanstalk.
But, we must admit, we always saw it approaching,
On the horizon, in the loam.
You’re now driving, everlasting,
On Rainbow Road.
Worries, perils no longer.
Of suffering not a spell.
No need to look behind,
For an impending turtle shell.
Oh – oh! Our Mario.
In 1985, you touched
A star in the sky.
We thought your influence would
Never deplete.
But, like with all glowing stars,
The music must sometime cease.
Your journey now – complete.
But, were I not to loudly sing, that
For just one more level,
I would gladly trade five times twenty –
Nay! A thousand golden, precious bling.
Were this desire not to sound, would be for me
As a liar to be found.
Goodbye, Mario.
Now, at this stone, beneath
Which your legacy we lowered,
I lay aloft – three flowers:
One red, one white, one blue –
The token shades of your adorned costume.
Not of flowers that spring and bite
(Though, I’m sure of them you would surely smite)!
These are flowers of peace,
Flowers of an end.
We are sorry, Mario.
Save the princess,
You will not do again.
Updates:
I didn't capitalize "princess peach."
